Since I'm currently working on a challenging new piece, I've decided to post this blog entry from February 2011.
When the first method you go to is not your own >So, I’m working on an essay revision this week. It’s one that I’ve taken entirely too long to do, but, in my defense I have three – somewhat – valid reasons to situate against the procrastination and fear of rejection that has kept me from finishing this. The first concerns the figure about whom I write. She’s shown up in my dreams lately. Twice. The first time she appeared as a spectator in the crowd of a basketball game. As I walked in to take my seat, she stood up and asked me if I was finished. No pressure? Unfortunately, all I had was excuses as an answer. Not cool. In the second dream, we were a team in some kind of scavenger hunt. She seemed really cool in that dream; not intimidating at all. After the second dream, I decided that I have to stop working on writing that involves figures near bedtime lest Madea or T.D. Jakes show up in my dreams. Spooky. A side note though. My dreams about this figure has led me to see how much I value the approval of folks that I consider elders or mentors. I won’t go so far as to call myself a people pleaser, but gaining the approval of the folks I work with and or respect has always been important to me. I want to do right by them. These tendencies are inspire and complicate my work. I always see rhetorical activity at home, so I look at the teachers, preachers, and figures that I’ve come into contact with the most as the site of my work. I aim to figure out what they’re doing as a way of honoring them; a show and tell kind of gesture that says to the field “see how neat the rhetorical practices are of Black women teachers, preachers, blogs,” etc. The challenge in being a Black feminist is that I know I have to critique at home and that’s the work I’m still trying to do. Where this figure is concerned, the challenge feels great because I’ve seen what happens when people have tried and failed to incorporate her work into histories adequately. They get spanked. The second thing that keeps me from finishing it is my sense that I’ve sent this piece to the wrong journal. There was a notorious backlog for the journal I wanted to send this piece to when I first considered submitting it. At the time I was a grad student preparing for the job market and didn’t think I could spare the time involved with submitting to that journal, so I sent it to my second-choice journal thinking that I’d receive feedback faster. I did. Ironically, one of the readers instructed me to send the piece to my first choice journal because the content of the piece speaks directly to an important historical moment within my field. Revising for the second journal has been muy difficil because it has forced me to shift my thinking about this piece. I’d like it to be a recovery of a figure’s rhetoric that makes a critique of the disciplines historical memory and the narrow ways Black women’s activists work is taken up recognized and incorporated into contemporary scholarship. To make it fit for the second journal, I’ve had to think more about purpose and what understanding the rhetorics within Black women’s activism does for broader understandings of the rhetorical campaigns of historically marginalized communities. Totally different argument, right? I think the second argument can be really important… if I can finish it. These two challenges lead me to my third. The framework I want to use to analyze this figure’s rhetoric is so heavily influenced by another scholar’s analytical model that I wonder what, aside from looking at a different site, am I doing that’s different. What do you do when the first method you go to is not your own? How much should you attribute? I guess you go back to work. I’ve said enough here for now. I have spoken
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Yesterday morning, “C” called with some disturbing news. He had gone to FB to post a birthday message on one of his good female friend’s page and discovered that she – “A” – had passed away.
She was only 33. To say that the news was shocking is an understatement. Even though “A” was diabetic and was still grieving the loss of her father two years ago and the grandmother who raised her just months ago, people close to “A” said she had turned things around. She had recently returned from a trip to Las Vegas and, aside from telling people that she felt really tired, she seemed to be in good spirits. Seemed is the key word. “A” has been on my mind a great deal today because even though she was a very out-going person, somehow, with all those people around her, no one knew how ill she was or how dark things had become in her life. As I am treating this nasty case of acute bronchitis and an ear infection this weekend, hearing about “A” has made me think more about why nets work. While we live in an increasingly digitized age where social networking has taken the place of face to face interaction, I, personally, need a network for several reasons. Accountability In undergrad, I developed a group of girlfriends who became my besties. We lived in the same dorm, partied together, celebrated each others birthdays, and stood by with four-letter insults and other more destructive tools when we had to deal with tired, no good significant others.. We became women together and after college we stood together in wedding parties and the funerals of our loved ones. It’s a good thing that I don’t need to call them regularly to know that they care, because I haven’t been the best with calling. Fortunately, I know that within a few minutes of talking to them, I’ll be reminded of the convictions I sometimes lose sight of in this work and a bigger purpose in my life that they, as my sisters, know. They keep me accountable even though miles separate us. Visibility Even though I’m an only child and find some comfort in daily periods of introspection and isolation, I could have never prepared for the isolation of graduate school. I was lucky, depending on how you define it, to have two fellowship years where I could be isolated with my thoughts. Had it not been for my graduate network of scholar besties, I would have stayed in my house and been consumed with my thoughts. Through their insistence that I come out with them for coffee, trips to the gym, dinners, or whatever else, they kept me visible in the world and made me remember that someone’s expecting to see me. I needed that then. I hope I did the same for them. Priorities Apparently, the solitary academic life can become worse when you get into the professoriate. I have a small – as in two or three people – network that I deal with on my current job and I’m not happy with that number, but I’m grateful for them. Had it not been for my colleague/neighbor/friend “P” noticing how sick I was this week and insisting that I go to the doctor, I wouldn’t have gone. I would have told myself that it’s the end of the semester and that my students need to more help than they should need at this point. “P” helped me prioritize my own wellness and I’m glad she did. I’ve been an introvert and I can get lost in my thoughts. Sometimes those moments help me think deeply enough to figure out the things I’ll teach or write. Other times, I need to be guarded against that inclination to be alone. My networks work because they are that guard. ~I have spoken~ |
Shouts, Blogs, and SnapsThis mash-up page contains some of my favorite posts from my blogging days over at "I Have Spoken" (IHS) on blogspot. There are also some shout outs, and snapshots here. To show history, I've kept some of the original dates from my blogposts although I did not carry over the original comments. Archives
November 2021
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